Detach from the Outcome: Is this the secret to enjoying life?
ON LETTING GO OF OUTCOMES
This post is for you, my sweet self-identifying perfectionist friend who is constantly disappointed because you set incredibly high expectations for yourself and then don’t meet those wild goals. If you find yourself caught in a torturous cycle of setting crazy goals, getting super inspired, not meeting them (but, of course, accomplishing incredible stuff by anyone else’s standards) and then finding yourself upset because you didn’t meet the crazy goals, well then this is for you. Read this to learn about how letting go of outcomes can bring you a little more peace, a little more joy, and might even inspire you to break this cycle and take some of the power back. At the end of this post is a meditation and some journal prompts that helped me break this cycle - and hopefully will help you detach from the outcomes too.
In August of this year, I ran what we in the coaching/online course creator/online business world call a “launch”. That means, I hosted a value-packed workshop series designed to both give something away for free (because I’m here to serve) and also help people get to know me a bit more intimately and learn about my paid program, ultimately with the hopes of a new batch of students enrolling.
My previous launches had been pretty successful by all accounts. My first ever launch like this led to enrolling 13 new students for a total of $27K in revenue. The second launch led to 6 students at $13K (at the height of BLM and the pandemic). Though I launched my business in 2019, I truly consider 2020 my first “real” year in business.
Launches plus booking clients between launches allowed me to hit 6-figures in booked revenue by July—of my first “real” year in business.
By anyone’s account, success.
Then comes along August. Though I had burned out pretty badly after the first two launches, I figured that ultimately, this was the only way I knew how to batch enroll students for what I know from client testimonials is a truly transformational program. Not only did I need to make money (for those human things like paying rent), but I also believe that deep down it’s my responsibility to get this work to as many people as possible. I entered August’s launch with a new goal. The new goal was a $50K launch. And somehow…a few weeks into planning this launch, the goal became $100K.
A $100,000 launch when the maximum I had ever hit before was $27K. I somehow came to the conclusion that I wasn’t setting high enough expectations for myself.
With the 100K goal as my intended outcome, I ran my best launch ever.
I had the most sign ups (255) and booked the most I ever had in revenue ($29K). I had so many partners supporting me and so many previous clients helping me get the word out. It should have felt absolutely magical.
But it didn’t.
I was disappointed in myself.
That back and forth like a ping pong match between my ego and higher self:
“But, $29K is incredible! And the launch went so well! You have so much to be proud of.” - Higher Self
“I’m going to go hide in my bathtub with a very full glass of wine.” - Ego
Disappointed, frustrated, and for the third time this year, completely burned out.
The whole shebang.
It made no sense. Why was I feeling the exact same stuff I felt when I was working 15 hour days managing a team of 30 at Remote Year? Why was I still a hamster on a hamster wheel? Why was I still burning out left and right?
Outcomes.
My focus on outcomes began when I was a teacher for Teach for America. Teach for America is famous for making you feel like “helping just one kid” isn’t nearly enough. We must take on the weight of the entire system in our fight for educational equity. We must break down the system and take full responsibility for every single child’s life trajectory. And the only way to do this it to be obsessed with results. Obsessed with data. Obsessed with test scores. I remember feeling so proud to put “results-oriented” on my resume, able to back it up with real-life stories of how I was results-oriented.
I only taught for two years.
The first year, I taught my kids to the end of year standardized test that would determine where they ranked in middle school because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. They achieved some crazy test results that I can’t even remember now. Simply, they excelled on their standardized test.
But did they learn?
The second year, something crazy happened. Texas decided to change the standardized test, so just for this year, it wouldn’t “count”. Though they would take the test, it didn’t really matter. Instead of teaching to the test, I taught them how to read. I taught them to fall in love with books. We read for hours and hours and hours. They grew two grade levels in reading.
They learned.
I’m reading The Practice by Seth Godin right now. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “If you are using outcomes that are out of your control as fuel for your work, it’s inevitable that you will burn out. Because its’ not fuel you can replenish and it’s not fuel that burns without a residue.“
Of course I burned out teaching. When our fuel is the outcome, we are destined to burn out.
And of course. I burned out from my launches.
My fuel was the outcome.
I can’t say that I’ve learned my lesson on this one yet. I recently just launched and decided, for the first time in my life, to not set a goal. I did my best to take care of myself energetically and instead tried to focus solely on showing up, serving, and creating an incredible experience for my students. But still, there was something deep inside me that was suffocating me with pressure. I couldn’t escape it.
So now, I’m re-evaluating. I’m not sure if the problem is the launch method or if it’s me. But, it’s not working for me. I’ve pivoted multiple times in my business and I know I’m feeling called to pivot again. I don’t have the answers to all my questions (do we ever?), but I do know one thing: I’m letting go of the outcomes.
I’m leaving them in 2020.
As I enter into next year, I no longer want to feel like my success it attached to a number. I want to find a way to release this pressure that has lodged a home within me. I want to explore what it feels like to truly show up each day as a practice. To serve because I’m meant to serve. To create for creation’s sake. I obviously still need to pay my rent :) but I’m working on trusting that the money will find a way to work itself out.
Outcomes.
Results.
Goals.
So many of us have grown up wired to achieve.
To get things done. Perfectly.
When I think back to where this even started, I can’t remember a single moment in time.
I remember being in school and knowing I had to get “good grades”. I remember quitting softball because by the time I got to high school I didn’t think I was that good. I went to college solely for the purpose of getting a good job that would pay for my life after school. And traveling around the world full-time, I now realize that I traveled for an outcome too — to feel something, to learn something, to escape something.
Even meditation, this habit that I’ve built that I can say has truly changed my life in so many ways, is attached to an outcome for me, most days. It’s about feeling better, tuning in, connecting back to myself…so that I can do great work.
So that I can feel centered and grounded throughout my day.
So that I can be more present.
In many Eastern philosophies, there exists a beautiful concept: Aparigraha.
It means non-attachment and signifies that to find enlightenment or to reduce our suffering, we should let go of the outcomes. By letting go of outcomes, we allow ourselves to be present with whatever we are experiencing. We work for the sake of working. We create for the sake of creating.
But even when I explore this concept, aren’t we detaching for an outcome?
Isn’t non-attachment the action we take for the outcome of enlightenment or reduced suffering?
Can we do anything without a desired outcome?
How do we even begin to release outcomes?
Are we even supposed to?
I never considered myself a philosopher. But, I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that maybe I am. Maybe we all are when we start to truly find ourselves asking (and loving) the big questions.
I too am looking for a new way to practice this.
A new way to approach releasing outcomes.
Whenever I need answers to big questions, I tune inward and ask my higher self (my greatest teacher).
Here’s what she said:
The Questions:
Do we do anything without a desired outcome?
How do we actually release outcomes?
Are we even supposed to?
The Answer:
Outcomes are here to teach us about presence. The opposite of an outcome is presence. It is being fully in the experience. Without thought or focus or judgement on the activity based on the outcome. Like mindful avocado toast. You can learn to enjoy the process of making mindful avocado toast without attaching to how it will taste or expecting the nourishment it will provide for you. It does not mean that it will not taste good or it will not nourish your body. It just means that it is giving you an opportunity to feel what it feels like to be fully in the present moment and to know that, in contrast with focusing on the outcome expected. That knowing, that learning, that contrast is what you are here to learn. The duality of outcomes v. presence IS the lesson here.
What do I do with this?
I sit here noticing that I am listening to some beautiful instrumental music. The sun is shining and there is a rainbow created by a rainbow machine my best friend gave me. I am writing to share something that I hope will be valuable to the world. I am enjoying this present moment. It feels nourishing to write words.
To express myself and the questions I ponder.
To be bathed in sun in my office.
To just be. here. now.
Will people enjoy this post? Will I get lots of “likes” or “reshares”? Will it help me make money? Will it help me achieve my dreams? I don’t know. Maybe. Would be pretty cool if that was the outcome.
But, for now, I’m going to release the outcome.
I’m going to enjoy the writing for writing’s sake.
I’m going to practice presence and when I get distracted by the by the outcome, I’m going to encourage myself to come back to the present.
To come back to creating for creation’s sake.
MEDITATION ON DETACHING FROM OUTCOMES
Use this meditation to explore the role that outcomes and results are playing in your life and to uncover ways in which you might let this attachment teach you about the gift of its opposite…presence.
Text from Meditation for Self-Guided
Close down your eyes
Breath deeply, allow your body to relax
Body scan from head to toe, release all tension
Imagine in mind’s eye, two radio dials. Dial 1 = Ego Voice. Dial 2 = Intuitive Voice
Turn down Ego Voice, turn up Intuitive Voice
Ask your Intuitive Voice the following questions & listen to what comes
What outcomes am I attached to right now that are causing me stress?
What would happen if I let go of those outcomes and brought my awareness the process/task/activity?
What would I do if I didn’t have the pressures of money or validation upon me?
What do I notice right now, in this moment?
What does it feel like to bring deep awareness to the present moment?
JOURNAL PROMPTS
I always meditate and then journal on what I’ve meditated on. It helps me get clarity and quick answers on something I can then go deeper into through journaling. Experiment with this yourself! Try meditating and then journaling on what comes up for you during the meditation.
What outcomes am I attached to right now that are causing me stress?
What would happen if I let go of those outcomes and brought my awareness the process/task/activity?
What would I do if I didn’t have the pressures of money or validation upon me?
What do I notice right now, in this moment?
What does it feel like to bring deep awareness to the present moment?
None of this is to say that outcomes don’t play a role at all in our lives or that this is the only thing that outcomes are meant to teach us. But, I’m curious to hear from you. Does focusing on the outcomes or desired result cause you stress? Do the terms “outcomes-oriented” actually cause you to miss the present experience in enjoying the completion of the task itself? What does this bring up for you?